4×4 Girl

I have been in hiding. Contemplating getting a new blog. But the set up, and settling in of a new blog takes too much effort.

I am so flipping overwhelmed.  I am going in a whirlwind.  Between my new job. Staring at the computer, working at a fast pace for 7 hours a day – coming home, working on the computer on Mom’s pictures for what seems like and endless amount of time. Satisfying Germ by seeing him every day – taking my about-to-pop preggers friend where she needs to be. I’m wiped – worn – and irritable.

I don’t want to be. I just am.

I am so stinkin frenzied. I’m all over the place.  My biological clock has been going haywire now that I’m going to be a God-Mama – I want a baby of my own. So instead, I’m getting another Puppy. Yay.

Oh crap. Today is Germ and I’s three year anniversary.

I think I want a new blog.

*Edit* It’s been a month in a half since I wrote her that letter. No response. Screw closure. She can kiss my ass. I didn’t do anything wrong. *Edit*

Ugh.

I just wrote a long lost friend of mine an outpouring of my heart.  I think I have just been rejected.

When I was in college I met my suitemate, and we couldn’t have been any more different.  She was prissy and snobby, I was tomboy’ish and laid back.  It took a couple months, but we hit it off.  And we hit it off hard.  We became inseperable. Best friends, counter-parts.  For three years you couldn’t find one of us without the other.  We were roommates, we were confidants.

There was a particular parasite of a man in my life.  To the outward eye, people saw him as a second Dad, a mentor, a counselor of sorts.  When in all actuality, from the age of 16, he had me trapped in a relationship.  One that started off as trust, a young lost woman seeking counsel in a male figure who was placed in a counselor position.  For about 7 years he had a hold of me.  At this time I had become so entrenched in the situation, under the facade of a nanny, of an assistant, of a family member.  My family had their skeptical moments, but mostly believed as I brushed off their questions.

A few years ago, I had enough.  Germ had come into my life, and people didn’t agree with his background. I didn’t care. He was my first chance at freedom, at escape.  For years and years I had tried to get out from under the possesion of the parasite.  Tried so hard to break away, but because our families were extremely close, it was impossible to do so without damaging all relationships. I was trapped.  When Germ came into the picture, he gave me the strength to run away and fast.

At this point, I had a decision to make.  Try to convince and explain the situation to my best friend, or just walk away from it all.  At this point the Parasite had latched on to her as well. She knew him and his family, and didn’t realize just what was going on in the background.  When the Parasite poisoned her against Germ and I, she took his side, because she knew no other reason not to.

Two years ago, I walked away from them both.  Now I long to rebuild the friendship with my former best friend. I hope that one day her and I can be the lifelong friends we always said we would be.

I wrote her a long letter on Facebook. I know she saw it because she was online 30 minutes later posting new pictures of her place and her new hairstyle.  It was a slap to the face.  My hope is she is thinking about what to say, and praying on it.  But part of me thinks, she deleted it, doesn’t believe me and is so angry at me for walking away that she doesn’t want anything to do with me.

I can understand her anger, I did walk away, without ever looking back. It was wrong of me to do, I missed her wedding. I was supposed to be the Maid of Honor. It’s a deep regret of mine, a void that hasn’t been healed yet.  At that point, running away seemed like my only option. I hurt many in the path.

I pray for closure, but hope to be reunited.

I had to let Gracie go…

My heart hurts so much right now. I am trying to be strong.

I was just outside spending time with her, brushing her.  I was called out there by the kids who said that she was vomiting. I checked on her and and she was totally not right.  She wouldn’t move, and when I picked her up and put her back down she just rolled over. She was limp, unresponsive.

Rushed her to my vet, they turned me away, they were full. Went to another vet, they had closed at 5:30…went to the dreaded emergency vet. I love the fact they are there, but they charge you 2.5x the normal veterinary charges.  They told me I had two options, spend $700.00 and figure out what was wrong with her, and that was just to find out why she was the way she way and to hopefully pull her out of shock.  Or pay $150.00 to let her go.  I told them, I was in a bind, I had no options, they wouldn’t allow me to sign her over or anything.  So they worked with me and are going to charge my account tomorrow.

I wish it was like TV, you tell them you can’t take care of them, and you surrender and they save the dog’s life anyway.  I feel totally inadequate.  I was going to try to find her a new home, knowing that I couldn’t financially look over her, not with the other dogs I already have, but she got sick so soon.

I am trying to keep my chin up. I am telling myself that she was going to be hit and killed by a car on that freeway, that I got to give her a week and a half worth of love and care.  

But still somehow, it doesn’t help.

I just wish she were at my feet, like she was last night.

I just want to curl up and disappear again.

Man, has it been an eventful few weeks.

I am still trying to get settled down, and employed. But everything is getting in the way.

Yesterday I saw our Lawyer, she is busting her butt trying to get Daddy out on Parole this year. But it was really rough for me and my little sister.  In order to justify my Dad’s actions, if that’s even the right way to put it, they are trying to convince the parole board it was just a lapse of judgement. In order to further prove that, we were asked to villanize my Mama in a way. Both of us had to do a recorded interview for them to show the parole board.  I didn’t like it, neither did she, but it’s something we had to do.  We were at the Lawyer’s office for 5 hours. We both had migraines after.

It seems the ripple affect of what my Dad did, is never ending.

On top of that, Germ and I started working with a sales job, the commission pays well, but I don’t do well with the door knocking thing.  It’s just to get me to the end of February where I have a job lined up with a bank. We will see how that goes.

On another happier note, Germ and I were getting on the highway when we came across a puppy attatched to a rope running DOWN the freeway entrance. It was barricaded and she was sure to get hit and killed on the highway.  He pulled over, I jumped out to try to grab her before either of us got hit.  But she got loose from the rope that was horribly tied around her neck.  We pulled up a bit more, and I got on my hands and knees begging for her to come to me, and thankfully she did.  In a whopping 10 seconds I scooped her heavy butt up and tossed her in the Jeep. Immediatly she layed down and just started relaxing. It’s like she knew she was safe.  My adrenaline was pumping, but my faith in humanity has been restored.  San Antonio can be a very aggressive city, and the On-Ramp she was on is a very busy one. But the 5-8 cars that were behind us, waited patiently, and I know with crossed fingers.  I was very thankful we didn’t have anyone honking, or trying to go around us as we wrangled her.

So we debated back and forth if we should take her to the Humane Society, or what our choices were. Somehow we talked each other into holding on to her to give her a bath. She was flea infested, and completely dingy.  So we brought her home, washed her twice, doctored her up, fell in love with her.

She is now My Gracie…

It was by the Grace of God that she wasn’t hit and killed out on that Highway.

And she loves me and Germ, and we love her.

Now, if only my Mom’s allergies would cooperate. We have never had a long hair dog before. But I will figure out something. I have to.

She found us…

Been home for 3 weeks. Stressed, sick and doing door to door sales?

Welcome home Riyan. Welcome home.

Must get more energy.

Okay, so it took me a full week to get used to being back in Texas.  I feel so overwhelmed, it seems I can’t even breathe deeply.

In the past week so much has happened, found Germ a place, managed to get in after almost falling apart, my family likes Germ now, and my friends have adjusted to him.  I have still been going a million miles and hour and I need to slow down.

The job search sucks, with the economy my leave of absence with whom I work for, is pointless.  They went from 50 job openings in this area to 5.  They are on a hiring freeze much like half the companies in the United States.

I have two interviews the next week.  One with  a staffing center, and another with a bank. So hopefully one will pan out.  Germ found a comission based job so far, and even though it scares me – he has the potential to do really well.  It’s not some mom and pop company. It’s a nation wide large company that is well known in what it does. So here’s crossing my fingers.  With the child support number that he was given we need as much as we can get.  His stupid Ex really screwed us over with her lies to the courts. Still dealing with that.

Most of my time relaxing has been spent on the computer playing my nerd game. World of Warcraft. I am such a freaking stinkin nerd. I really gotta give it up.

Just lots of crap going on.

Haven’t felt like myself since I got back to Texas.

Had a dramatic day of not being able to get Germ a place to stay – yesterday.  Today it was all better.  His Daughter was able to co-sign for him. Sad that our credit is so horrible we both couldn’t get the place alone.

Anyway. I am just so worn.

Will deal with this later.